From Conditional Love to Divine Worth: A Journey Through Venusian Healing and Self-Forgiveness

(This image is generated through AI powered by Canva)

Months ago, I wrote about the Divine Feminine and my experience with the Seven Spheres work and the initiation of the Planetary Gates. I discussed how the Gate of Venus was one of the most emotionally difficult rituals I had ever done. It brought to the surface the realization that my relationship at the time was built on a foundation of betrayal—and my efforts to prove I was worthy of love.

After a year of deep therapy and sound healing sessions with Nicole Gadbois, I discovered a vital truth: I have always been worthy. I was conditioned by my upbringing to believe I had to prove myself in order to be loved and accepted. This belief stemmed from being raised by an abusive alcoholic caregiver and influenced who I chose to date as an adult.

Now, approaching my thirties, I recently found poetry I wrote as a teenager. It’s surreal to think that ten years ago, I graduated high school early and moved out on my own to escape my home life. In many of my poems, I wrote about dreaming of love but feeling disconnected from it—as if I wasn’t meant to experience it in this lifetime. While some might write that off as teenage angst, in retrospect, I see the very real trauma behind those words.

I was terrified of love and intimacy because vulnerability had always been used against me. In my family, any show of vulnerability was exploited under the guise of love. Being pushed toward an impossible standard of perfection until you broke—that was love. Being coerced and manipulated into becoming who someone else wanted you to be—that was love. Every act of affection was conditional and had to be earned.

My younger self knew this wasn’t right. No wonder she was so afraid. I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship because I was scared people would see how broken my family was. I feared they would reject me—or worse, give me the same kind of "love" my mother did.

That fear played out in my first relationship. It mirrored my mother exactly. It wasn’t until I experienced how others treated me outside of that relationship—how they genuinely cared for me—that I began to understand what love really looked like. Mutual respect, honored boundaries, curiosity about who I am, and a desire for me to be free and in tune with myself—that was true, unconditional love.

On this day of Venus, these realizations have hit me hard.

Recently, I performed the Star Cleansing ritual from Jason Miller’s book Sex, Sorcery, and Spirit: The Secrets of Erotic Magic. This ritual involves invoking divine energies for spiritual purification through visualization and breathwork. It begins with a breath-purification meditation, followed by visualizing a white star above your head, from which a god and goddess emerge in sacred union—symbolizing the harmony of polarities. You mentally confess your personal shortcomings, and in return, they transmit divine nectar through your body, purging impurities in the form of black oil released from your senses and body. This negativity is then offered to lower beings as a healing gift.

(This image is generate through AI)

The first time I performed this ritual, my confession was: “I’ve been too hard on myself. I haven’t been speaking my truth, and I’ve been shrinking to fit into spaces that don’t honor who I really am.”

I cried afterward. What a cruel contradiction I had internalized—chasing perfection through self-erasure. Believing I could become worthy by disappearing. But in that moment, I declared: I exist. Loudly. Softly. However I choose. And I don’t owe anyone a version of myself that isn’t real. That was the ultimate cycle of confession, release, union, and rebirth.

I did this meditation again today with a heavy heart, reflecting on where I was a year ago—in a deeply controlling relationship. A friend recently showed me a photo, and I could see my former partner mid-act in a subtle display of control. There is a kind of shame and fear that surfaces when coming out of abusive partnerships. I’ve been working on forgiving myself for not knowing better—because how could I? I was drawn to someone who reflected my mother’s love exactly. I stayed for years, hoping things would change, which is what I did with her too. 

In today’s Star Cleansing, my confession was: “I give the sin of the times I betrayed myself when my body was screaming no.” I cried, thinking about the times I said yes when I was being manipulated—and how that made me feel.

I spoke to a wonderful friend, and she reminded me: I wasn’t betraying myself—I was surviving. I believed I was showing love, but in reality, I was dissociating just to be okay. Minimizing harm to protect myself, just as I did throughout my childhood.

So now I rephrase my confession, because language matters:

“I give the misconceptions I had of love. I forgive myself for believing that conditions and coercion were love. I release to the Divine the cruel thoughts I held about myself, and the shame and fear I associated with love.”

I’m reminded of the Bible verse:

“Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

A few days ago, my father called to tell me about a church service he attended. He still goes to the Catholic church I grew up in. He said the priest talked about how Jesus never wanted people to divorce—but Moses allowed it, understanding that people can’t stay in toxic relationships. My dad told me he believes God wants everyone to experience love. That God wants us to be happy, loved, and at peace.

Today, I honor Haniel—the beautiful angel of Venus—and all the acts of unconditional love I’ve received in my life. I honor the times I was too scared to accept them because I believed I was unworthy. I honor my future, moving forward with love and grace, ready to receive those moments without fear.

(The information presented on this blog is meant solely for educational purposes. Please consult a professional counselor and therapist in addition to using alternatives healing methods. This blog is authored by Calla Marie Rowan of Contemporary Mystic and Witches in the Kitchen.)